DISCLAIMER: This is only my experience. Please speak to your doctor if you wish to titrate off your medications as the side effects can be significant, and sometimes tragic. Stopping medications suddenly or “cold turkey” is NOT advised!
Three weeks ago today, I stopped taking my Paroxetine Fumarate.
I had run out of pills because I missed the text from my pharmacy reminding me to contact my doctor for a refill, and the soonest I could get a refill prescribed would be at least 24-48 hours. Paroxetine had been part of my regimen for just over four years at that point, and taking it was as natural as breathing to me.
Not that long ago, something like this would have caused me no end of anxiety, dread, and ruminations on ruination. “What would I do? How would I stay safe? What about the side effects of quitting cold turkey? How was I going to survive until my doctor or his LPN was able to refill my life-saving medication?”
All of those thoughts and countless others would spin me out, have me catastrophizing for hours, racing through all the worst scenarios at light speed, trigger migraines, and trap me in a constant loop of “what if, what could be, and what should I do.”
This didn’t happen this time…I didn’t freak out…I didn’t panic…The walls didn’t close in on me…I felt…normal, and it was amazing.
I ran out of pills?
Fuck it.
Roll with it.
Time to do this thing.
Time to move on.
Time to take the manacles off my brain for the first time in four years.
Time to tempt fate, see how far my journey has taken me.
Time to feel again, even if the feelings to come were awful.
Withdrawal? Headaches. Weird dreams. Mild Insomnia. Nothing that I wasn’t able to deal with – I struggled with all three my whole life. Take your best shot Life, you got nothing on me.
The first thing to disappear were the random, self-destructive thoughts I would suffer, mostly while driving. I haven’t had a single, intrusive, or passive thought of self harm or suicide since I stopped taking my Paroxitene. Good, fuck em, they didn’t do anything for me anyway.
I’m glad to be rid of them and I’m safer for it.
My eyesight cleared up as well. Betcha you didn’t know that one did you? Yeah, Paroxitene can cause blurred vision. What a bitch. Glad to be rid of that one too. It’s nice to be able to read the fine print again.
What I didn’t expect going off Paroxitene?
Clarity of thought and the ability to make decisions again.
Being able to feel again.
Rediscovering my creativity. God damn I missed my muse. He’s a grouchy little fucker, but I’m glad he’s back. He and I have a lot of catching up to do and tons of shit to say and goals to achieve.
The ability to be authentically present, with my family, my friends, my pets. I missed them to my core, even when I was in the same room. My family, my friends, my pets – they’re my whole world, and they’ve been missing me for some time now.
The simple joy of breathing.
The one that surprised me the most was how much I missed being angry – the genuine, good type of anger. Regaining the ability to point to situations and realize fuckers are trying to take advantage of my good nature and my desire to help. That shit is played, I’m done with it, so don’t push me to the point of you finding out where your fucking around is going to get you.
Life could be better – our country has lost its mind, money is tight, and I am dying for a steak dinner, but you know what…
…I can’t fix EVERYTHING…
…and that’s okay.
Right now, I’m going to get back to being me, whomever that is, I’m going to do that to the best of my ability, and that’s going to be fucking GLORIOUS.
Regards,
John
Uncommon Karma 