Another late night, another excellent buzz as I fend off a head cold, and another weekend lay before me. As always, the music is playing quietly as I organize my thoughts, Tonight the first song that comes up is Orion, by Metallica. I love this tune. The song is an instrumental, but it really calms me down, puts me in the right mood to think, and to write, especially when I need to figure out what comes next. The truth of the matter is this particular entry started a couple of months ago, just before Christmas.
Last weekend, my son Dominic enjoyed his 9th birthday. “CHRIST, MY SON IS NINE YEARS OLD,” my brain screams as it struggles to process this new information. Where the fuck did the time go? How did he go from the toddler that used to walk beneath my tripod when we were shooting? Time has gone by so fast, and it doesn’t seem possible that Dominic is nine years old. Pardon the cliche, but it seems as though yesterday he was learning his ABCs, and the day before that, he was learning to walk, and just before that he told me “I love you” for the first time. Nine years and it all happened so fast.
For the past two years, four months, and a few days’ change, I have worked for the River Channel, a public access station in Hudson, Wisconsin. For the right person, it’s a great gig, unfortunately, I am no longer that person. The hours are no longer compatible with where I am at in my life. After grappling with this for the past two months and discussing it with my family, two weeks ago I turned in my resignation.
More and more, my son needs me to be present in his growing life, and, to be honest, I need to be home at night, not somewhere on I-94 between Hudson and Madison. We also need the consistency and security of a full time job provides. River Channel cannot offer me either one, which forces me to have two part time jobs that often requires more than 55-60 hours per week away from my family without taking into consideration commute times. I earn no benefits of either job – part time hours of River Channel nor attendance bonuses or overtime for full time work at job #2. This situation only exacerbates my unhappiness and compounds the affect anxiety has on my day to day life.
The other part of this equation, one that I’ve only shared with a handful of friends, is the reality that I don’t have much time left with my mother. Not quite a year ago my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She has fought, and continues to fight the “good fight’, but I fear she doesn’t have much time remaining. The consistency of a “day job”, especially test scoring, allows me to focus on two things throughout the day – scoring tests and getting home so I can be with my family.
There will still be opportunities to pick up freelance gigs to supplement my income, but they will be on my terms rather than having to be “fit in” when I am able to work on them. Though I am certain to be leaving some money on the table, I would rather leave it there than miss another moment with my family. This will get me a normal work week of 40-45 hours Monday through Friday with the occasional Saturday morning, and it will allow me to focus on things I have been pushing to the back burner for far too long. In the grind of working two jobs, I have neglected one very important cog in the machine – myself.
With consistent hours, I will be able to budget more time for family and friends, exercise, and my hobbies; the parts of my life I love. Yes, video production will be taking on a different role in my life, but I still plan to work on game reviews, short films, and eventually, if the opportunity presents itself, feature films, but video production at the government level is going to take a backseat.
I want to get back to being creative, it’s been too long since I’ve been creative just for my own enjoyment, and I can’t live like that anymore. I’m not sure where this new path is going to take me, but with a little luck and determination, it will be better than where I am now.
Regards,
John
Uncommon Karma 