Author’s Note: The bulk of this piece was written Monday, December 19, 2016. I apologize for not posting this sooner, but this week has been busy with holiday preparations, work, and of course, getting back to work on working out.
Some days the words flow like a raging river; furious, irresistible, unstoppable, a force of nature. Other days the words are hard to find and even harder to put into any sort of coherent, cohesive order.
Days like today.
I hate days like today. I don’t feel like doing anything but crawling back into bed and sleeping. I can’t get myself to enjoy doing much of anything, so much so even my Xbox One sits dormant on my computer desk (technically a computer table, but does it really matter?).
I took a nap this morning but never really slept. My eyes were closed and my breathing was even but I was aware of every creak of our house, every vibration of passing vehicles, and every shift of Sully, our yellow lab who happens to be a professional napper. One would think in the seven years he’s been with us I would have picked something up by proximity alone but as of yet that hasn’t happened. I doubt that will change any time soon.
I thumped out seven plus miles on my Pro Form and with every pedal stroke the word “fuck” would rumble through my brain like the thunder that follows lightning. Seven miles in 25 minutes, 1000 “fucks” for every mile I ground out. I have no empirical evidence, but I think that may be a personal best.
“Fuck” has always been my favorite word in the entire English language. So many perfect uses, so many different combinations…
I wish yesterday would have lasted a little bit longer. I had to work Saturday, my birthday, so we had some family and friends over on Sunday to watch the Bears/Packers game followed by game of Arkham Horror. We had a great time despite the 20 below zero temperatures – The Packers won and somehow we managed to defeat Cthulu before he wiped us out.
I love days like Sunday – hanging out, eating good food, laughing, and playing games. I love laughing, it’s one of the best feelings in the world. The problem with today, the day after, is no laughter. Aside from some background music issuing forth from my computer, the house is quite silent, empty. There are sounds, but they’re all mechanical in nature; the cooling fans on my computer, the blower fan on the pellet stove, the clink of the hardwood pellets in the burn tray of said pellet stove, the hum of ceiling fans, and the buzz of the compressor on the refrigerator. The only organic sounds in the house right now are the breathing of Sully and myself. Dominic is at school and Michelle is at work.
I don’t do well when I am alone. When I was a kid I could always find something to do. I had enough going on it was never an issue.
When Michelle and I became a couple and started spending all our time together, the silence of everything when she wasn’t around started to creep in and become a problem, become unbearable. When I was in college and had roommates, that silence when she wasn’t around was mitigated. Once we were married and had our own place that silence that filled the apartment when we were apart was hard to deal with, oppressive once we had Dominic and our small family. The hours when we are apart are torture for me.
The worst days for me are when I have to work late on a council or committee meeting and don’t get home until well after 9:00pm, after Dominic is asleep and it’s too late for Michelle and I to watch a movie or a couple TV shows. There is no time to unwind and just enjoy each other’s company. There are limited opportunities for family time or time to be a couple so we try to cram everything in and nerves get frayed because everything is rushed.
Being a great dad and a good husband are the two things I want to get right with minimal amount of regret and right now I feel like I could be doing a better job at both.
Regards,
John
Postscript: Today (12/22/16) was the last day of school before holiday vacation for Dominic and me. I rented him a couple video games for the holiday weekend, sprung him from school a little early, took him to do some last minute shopping for his mom, and we finished out the evening as a family playing Rock Band 3. We took turns singing and playing instruments while cheering each other on. For the next 10 days my only goals are to be the best dad and husband I can be and just enjoy being together as a family.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Uncommon Karma 